Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
