I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
