Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i think i just naturally attract stoners
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
