Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
