new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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