I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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