Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
