I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
