The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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