i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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