you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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