Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
