We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
