she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
