he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
