I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
