Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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