If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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