I met the friendliest cop last night
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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