Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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