She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
