Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
