She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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