Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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