Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
