I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
