Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
