On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
