Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
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