I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
