Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
