There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
