just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize