you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
