I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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