My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
