if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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