had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
