I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
