Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
