yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
