he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
