Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
