we're chasing vodka with high fives
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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