Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
