Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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