Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
