you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
