Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
