I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
