I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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