I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
