Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
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Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize