can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
