yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
