I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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