I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
