it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
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You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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